Tuesday, January 21, 2020

Captain Marvel XXX - Lilith Likes to Watch




Title: Captain Marvel XXX
Year: 2019
Starring: Kenzie Taylor, Aubrey Kate, Ana Foxxx, Seth Gamble, Tyler Knight
Director: Axel Braun
Synopsis: While working on a mission, Vers aka Captain Marvel is abducted and used by two Skrulls. Vers escapes and after leaving the Skrulls ship in an escape pod, crash lands on Earth. - Via IMDB.com
Why it is Notable: It's up for Feature Movie of the Year. As I write this, this film has won best Art Direction and Best SFX at the 2020 XBIZ Awards.

"Oh yeah, give me that supreme intelligence" 

Do you ever have that feeling when you know something is not for you? For example: have you ever gone to McDonald's, saw the Play Place, and decided "That's not for me."

Or have you ever been to a poetry slam and after the third poem, your fingers sore from snapping, you realize "This isn't for me."

Have you ever been to a bar with a live band, saw the drum kit, and instinctively know "Yeah. that's not for me. But it is for somebody."

Captain Marvel XXX  is not for me.

I was a comic book girl. I had X-Men posters on my wall, I had the beautiful one of Gambit and Rogue next to my bed. I had a subscription to Wizard Magazine. One of my first searches on the Internet was X-Men. The other girls in my friends group and I would debate who Jean belonged with, Scott or Logan. We'd question who would win in a fight: Storm or Sarah Rainmaker from Gen13? Ariel Darkchylde or Sarah Pezzini? This was my pedigree.

I like the opening credits. They're heavily filtered and the imagery is fun. But then, the movie starts out making a bunch of comic book jokes and it annoys me. It's quippy and I can't get into the movie because they're not Carol Danvers and --whatever Jude Law's character's name was--fucking. It's two people in front of bad CGI in mediocre costumes fucking. I imagine people watching porn parodies actually want to have the characters they lust after and not a bunch of genre-savvy twerps.

Jude Law's Character mentions he put something on her neck to control her powers or energy or emotions or something. This is never brought up again.

So, Carol Danvers and Jude Law's Character fuck. It starts out well enough. She grinds on his face and that's nice. After that, she blows him with interesting technique but then it devolves into the most ridiculous BJ I've ever seen. She's full of terrible noises and sounds. This shifts to Anal for 20 minutes and it's about then that I start questioning my life choices.

She's captured by two Skrull, who she fucks, and everyone looks really bored about it. I considered using "Blblblblblkglkglkglk" for  the feature quote of this movie.

Carol Danvers escapes the Skrulls and crash lands on Earth, into a sex shop. She meets "Nick Furious" who is dressed like Jules from Pulp Fiction. I start taking private bets with myself when the movie is going to mention a Tasty Burger. Don't worry, it does.
Look out, we got some badass motherfuckers over here.

On that note, this movie is rife with reference 'humour'. The jokes are just references to other things, be they other movies, or Internet drama, or what have you. This reminds me of  Hyper LOL Fangirl fanfiction I used to read. This film comes across more like a Seltzer and Friedberg movie with actual porn.

To the movie's credit, there are two jokes that actually made me laugh. One laugh was a "Heh" and the other made me genuinely laugh out loud.

She blows Furious in a car and I'm tempted to watch something else. But I have a job to do and that would be wrong. But I do take a brief break to watch some pointless Youtube.

Breaking the Fourth Wall.
Carol Danvers gets knocked out and meets the Supreme Intelligence, played by Aubrey Kate. This is the first film I've seen with Aubrey Kate and she steals the scene. This is by far the best scene in the movie, sex scene or otherwise.

They visit a place from Carol's dreams where they meet a woman who calls herself Captain Marvel as well. They fuck and whoever comes first has to relinquish the title. I know Captain Marvel II won't win of course, but I am rooting for her. Captain Marvel II comes and unexpectedly squirts or pisses everywhere.

Captain Marvel II is snapped out of existence and Captain Marvel decides she has to stop The Snapper.

There's a time jump and Deadpool, Captain Marvel and Jean Grey fuck. The audio mix is so poor on my copy that all of Deadpool's quips are drowned out by the music of by Kenzie Taylor's stupid mouth noises. Once they're done fucking, Captain Marvel announces that she's finally at full power.

Wait, was that the plot of the movie? Sure. Whatever.

The biggest problem with this film is that, purely in my opinion, Kenzie Taylor is devoid of charisma. I found nothing about her charming. She made bad sounds and she was just sort of smarmy. Aubrey Kate and Anna Foxxx picked the movie up a bit with their presence but for me this is just a slog.
Oh Captain, my Captain.

There's an end credits song parodying the ballad from Deadpool 2, calling people out for claiming to watch porn for the plot when we're all just here for tits and ass. And, yeah, I kinda am here for something more than that. I need a story, I need characters. At the very least, I need good sex.

What I really, really don't understand is why this is up for best film. Are the bones that bare this year?

Also, there's no after credit scene. If you're gonna parody the MCU, do it properly.

I know, without a doubt, that this movie is not for me. But, it is for somebody. If you're that somebody, have all the fun in the world, enjoy!

Best Moment: The two measly jokes that made me laugh.

Worst Moment: The referential humour.

LILITH'S SCORE: 2/5

NEXT TIME:Though the awards have been given out already, Lilith is still exploring the Features of the Year. Next up, Drive.



No comments:

Post a Comment