I'm So Slick, I'll Fxxx Myself - Lilith Likes to Watch Halloween Trick & Treat

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Title: I'm So Slick, I'll Fxxx Myself
Year: 2025

Starring: Leana Lovings, Shay Sights

Director: ???

Synopsis: After leading an intense aerobic workout, hot MILF Shay Sights goes into the bathroom to admire herself. The juice begins to flow before Shay collapses to the floor, and a beautiful, naked woman CRAWLS out of her back. - via Brazzers

Lilith's Notes: This is a parody of The Substance

Buy: Brazzers

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"Take care of yourselves, ladies."

You'd have to be a fool not to realize that the premise of 2024’s The Substance isn't rife with porn possibilities. It's baked into its slippery DNA. An older lady former celebrity takes a potion and out pops her younger, flawless self. Of course one would want to hit that, ethical questions aside.

Let’s pretend the viewer of this parody had never seen The Substance. If that’s the case, then what we’re watching is a confusing mess. What we are shown is an aging host of a fitness show (Played by Shay Sights) going to a bathroom, touching herself, getting a tummy ache, then suddenly there’s a young naked woman covered in goo in the bathroom with her. There is pain, then, pop! A new person (Played by Leana Lovings). Why did this happen? From where was she birthed? Is she her daughter? Her clone? What happened? How? Who is she? From where did she come from? There is no potion. There are no bodies tearing open, no wounds to be sewn shut. We even get a shot of the older woman’s perfectly intact back post-divide and were I not familiar with the source material I would be very, very confused.

But she’s hot and naked and gooey so I guess none of that matters.

Luckily I've seen The Substance, many times, and so I know the supposed answer to these questions, but a less cultured cinophile might not. Yes, the Substance was a movie we were all talking about, but the world has a short cultural memory nowadays.

Anyway, then the two ladies screw. It’s not great. I mean, sure, it will probably get the average viewer off, but if you like more substance in your Substance parody, this is very frustrating. Now in terms of likeness to the original movie actors, the casting is great. Shay Sights is a good Elizabeth stand-in and Leana Lovings is a good, tiny, perfect little Sue. It’s the performances that are lacking. The younger self is the epitome of Born Sexy Yesterday, and is channeling hentai and ahegao instead of being a rational though horny human being. When she entered the scene, she gave off cute energy but by the end it was porno-performative.

Imagine instead, the older woman sits at the mirror and opines about either wishing to be younger, or thinking herself hot and wanting to bang herself. Something. But no, this is wordless and explanation free. Don’t spend that precious blood on thinking when it could all go to your pink parts.

To that I say: It’s a parody of The Substance. Get weird with it. Funky lighting, neon green lube, make her suck the younger one back in her body via vag, fist first. Or scissor and then get stuck together. There is so much opportunity here. Go with it.

You might know by now that my main criteria for a low score is if I’m either angry or bored. I was neither, just disappointed. So, were we sitting at 2. Until the most egregious thing happened.

Fake squirt.

Not only fake squirt, but badly positioned, sliding off to the side oh-no-the-waterbottle-is-rolling-out-from-under-the-performer fake squirt.

This reeks of the studio making this just so they could plant their flag in and claim to be the first to tread upon this territory. We live in a world where parody porn and real-life hentai is some of the most well made, expensive, thoughtful, meticulous pornos out there. Real directors and costume designers. There is now a bar to clear.

There’s work with what you have, and then there’s the bare-minimum is good enough.

This faltered. Try again.

Highlight: The casting, set and costumes were on point.

Lowlight: We cannot abide fake squirting.

LILITH'S SCORE: 1/5 - A disappointing halloween trick!

Until next time, my voracious voyeurs. I’m Lilith, and I’m always watching.