Hot & Saucy Pizza Girls - Lilith Likes to Watch Mystery Month
Title: Hot & Saucy Pizza Girls
Year: 1978
Starring: John C. Holmes, Desiree Cousteau
Director: Bob Chinn
Synopsis: At the most popular pizza parlor in Berkeley, something extra comes with the toppings: all of the beautiful, skateboarding pizza girls are the classiest working girls in town! But when two competing fried chicken giants decide to join forces to put the pizza girls out of business, it’s up to the girls and their boss to save the day and survive the mysterious chicken rapist! - Via Letterboxd.com
Lilith's Notes: Brought to us by the man who brought us Candy Stripers
"I just knew a little cheese wouldn't be enough for a man with your appetite."
Welcome back to Mystery Month proper. All of August, my editor and cohort J. Lee Kage, or just Kage, gets to pick the flicks we’re watching, and he springs them on me at the last minute.
This week he’s ordered up Hot & Saucy Pizza Girls, which has apparently been on our to watch list forever, but I didn’t even remember it existed.
Hot & Saucy Pizza Girls tells the adventures of a pizza parlour that sells pizza as a side-dish and sex as the main course. They have a selection of sexy delivery girls, Ann Chovy (played by Desiree Cousteau), Shakey (played by Laurien Dominique), Gino (played by Candida Royalle) and Celeste (played by Christine De Shaffer). They customers use a simple code to order the pizza and other services they desire.
Meanwhile, a chicken restaurant is losing business to the pizza parlour, and they need to think of a scheme to put the pizza princesses out of business.
Elsewhere, a bumbling private eye (played by John Seeman) keeps getting tangled with the girls.
And then there’s the dreaded night chicken stalking the girls after dark.
This movie is, well, it is definitely a movie. It moves and everything!
Look, though the jokes could be kind of funny at times, I personally found this to be an unsatisfying experience. With the exception of one moment, the erotic performances were very much lacking. Ladies did the bare minimum to each other and it was so noticeable that it was distracting rather than enticing.
Also, this movie, paradoxically, had both no plot and way too much plot. It was an overstuffed knot of storylines that didn’t seem to have any connective tissue and was resolved with a poorly excused sight-gag. Plot threads would be dropped entirely, only to be shoddily macraméd together in confounding ways.
Maybe I had extra trepidation because this movie was brought to us by Bob Chinn, the director of Candy Stripers, and just like in that movie, we’re subjected to badly dubbed moans, gasps and sighs. I was having flashbacks. Is this what PTSD is like?
It wasn’t all bad though, and credit where it’s due. Like most 70’s porno, Pizza Girls was given a theme song. What’s more, it has the distinction of being a tune that could have found actual airplay. It’s kind of a bop. It’s no I’m Coming Home from The Devil in Mrs. Jones, but what is?
As an aside, is there a playlist of classic porn theme songs somewhere? There should be. Maybe I have a new life’s goal.
See, I’m running out of things to talk about. Now I’m gonna dick around on Youtube for twenty minutes while I think of something else to say about this movie.
Trust the process.
I hope you understand I just found this movie to be lacking. While, yes, I found it better than Candy Stripers, that’s really not saying much. It’s more like damning with faint praise. It tried to be clever and quirky but didn’t give enough for me to hang my hat on.
And the worst part of all? I didn’t even have any pizza to enjoy while watching it. Maybe I'll have some for dinner tonight. Maybe I'll order in.
Best Moment: This movie starts hard with a couple fucking on one of those coin operated horsie rides. You know the kind.
Worst Moment: It was unfocused and unclear. Certain connections between certain characters needed to be fleshed out.
LILITH'S SCORE: 2.5/5
Until next time, my voracious voyeurs. I’m Lilith, and I’m always watching.
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