"Melody in love, you've found your way."
I've made it a well-known fact that, when I was younger, way too young for such movies, I used to sneak and watch them. Melody in Love was one such movie. A friend of mine was sleeping over and it was on tv. We sneakily watched it. All I remembered was the theme song and ...a blood ritual?
This movie became an elusive treasure. Something obscure and a little hard to find. I managed to acquire a VHS copy of it, because I have friends who love me.
I remember it being far more sexual. I don't know if my young mind conjured up myth or if the VHS is hacked to bits. I suspect it's the latter.
The film begins with Melody frolicking in the sea with a horse. Why? Why was the horse in the sea? Is it a sea horse? There's a story here and I want to know what it is. It is never revisited.
Melody is a young girl who goes to an island to stay with her glamorous cousin. We're told her cousin is glamorous but really she comes across more as a try-hard cougar. She looks like the author's photo of a cheesy bargain bin romance novel.
Melody goes skinny dipping in cousin Rachel's pool and is peeped upon by a local boy. Melody is scandalizes but Rachel says it's no big deal. Then they talk about love and Melody opines that she'll never find anyone to love.
The two women go for a walk in the village and Melody is attacked by a man. Another man comes and attacks the man who attacked Melody. One of the men kills the other man and the police come and no one cares.
Then, two women dance naked in front of an Indian statue.
There is one pretty shot of Melody holding a tree with the shadows from palm fronds fluttering over her face, the lighting is all gauzy and very 70's. It is the only lovely shot in the film.
Meanwhile, three female high school students who want to fuck their biology teacher try to figure out where he went for holiday. The main girl, Angela, becomes a tertiary character in the film.
Rachel and Alan, the friend of the vacationing biology teacher frolic in the pool. This sequence is so silly that makes the pool scene in Showgirls look a little less embarrassing than we all remember.
We cut to the least sexy shower ever. Around this time, it looks to me that Melody has changed actresses. I know she hasn't, but she looks different to me and I don't know why.
Up until now there's been nudity, teasing, rolling around, kissing and stroking of thighs. Please show me something!
No one in this movie wears clothes that fit. All the women are wearing things that are falling down their shoulders or are being tugged open by the tropical winds.
Then Melody says she sees the man who attacked her and killed the other man and I completely forgot that happened because, really, this movie is four movies in one and I've only mentioned two of them. The other involves deep sea divers looking for treasure, and the other one something about helicopter pilot? Also, there's a volcano.
Remember Angela? Well, after a sequence of weird bullshit, she meets up with Melody, Rachel and Alan and everyone has a night time beach party with drums around a bonfire and I think this is the scene my pre-teen brain told me was a blood sacrifice. I remember Angela hugging the tree. Knowing me I'm mixing up this movie and another one.
Then the volcano erupts and Melody and Alan make out against a tree. The volcano does not hurt them even then it's just right next to them.
So, what did we learn? Nothing. I don't think anyone learned anything in this movie. It wasn't exceptionally pretty, and it was totally directionless. I'm not kidding when I said it feels like four movies in one. Like I said in Italian Stallion, this is the softest of cores, but even Italian Stallion had a confusing BDSM scene. This movie is pointless, and yet, I'm not mad at it.
It didn't poke me in the nostalgia button, not really. Although I could think back to days where my friends and I would have sleep overs, whispering about being able to catch a glimpse of boobs on the television. I could get that effect from watching a Madonna music video.
No, I'm not mad at this movie because, honestly? I've seen worse.
But, some things are best left in the past.
LILITH'S SCORE: 2/5
NEXT TIME: I know I was supposed to review Sex Wish this week but I am away and Melody in Love just sort of was a surprise so either Sex Wish or Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. We'll see.