So, here we are. The Party at Kitty and Studs, or, otherwise known as the infamous Italian Stallion, one of Sylvester Stallone's first film roles. He was paid $200. And it's my obligation to inform you that it is the cheesiest porno to be featured on Lilith Likes to Watch thus far.
Down to the weird green paisley wallpaper that matches the bed sheets, and the random voice over from Kitty's point of view, and the corny quazi-rip-off of Rocky's score, I don't know what to make of this movie.
There's an awkward bathing scene, full of forced smiles and clumsy breast rubbing.
There's an extended scene where "Stud" admires his muscles in front of a mirror but also in the background reflection, two girls are writhing around on his bed. He reaches out and mimes touching the two girls without actually touching them. Pointless camera tricks trying to be artsy I suppose.
Or so I thought!
When Stud goes to sit on the bed, the girls aren't there. Then Stud looks at himself in the mirror again and they're back on the bed. The camera zooms in, then back out, and the girls are once again gone.
Maybe this is art?
Or bad editing. This is, after all, the re-edited version of the film, made after Stallone became a star thanks to Rocky. Things are bound to slip through the cracks.
Things like a coherent story. Rocky- I mean, Stud, goes outside and sees a woman flash him. He gets mad that he didn't fuck her so he punches a window and cuts his hand. Kitty licks the blood, then they wash his hand. Then they move on to a blowjob.
"I'll be velvet-mouthed upon your shank of love." That's how the blowjob scene starts. Apparently she bit him, he slaps her, she punches him, and he takes a belt and whips her. It's a very confusing scene because I genuinely can't tell if anyone's into it. I don't think so? But I don't know.
They decide to get high, then the scene cuts to a party, and the best thing in this whole movie, a black woman dancing like she does not give a fuck.
The party guests roll around. Then they roll around some more. Then they roll around on the carpet for 20 minutes more in front of a fun-house mirror and a guy eats a banana while getting head and talking about a chick fucking a horse.
Then everyone gropes and rolls around on the carpet even more. No penetration, no money shots, even the blowjobs are off-screen. It is the softest of cores.
THEN THEY SUMMON THE DEVIL.
Ok, not really. But three women do hold their arms out akimbo and side-shuffle, trance-like, across the room. Then everyone joins hands and prances in a circle in the least erotic game of Ring Around The Rosie you've ever seen.
Then everyone except for Stud and Kitty passes out. I like to think they tricked all their friends into a demonic ceremony that ended in human sacrifice.
Then Kitty hits Stud and Stud hits Kitty. THE END.
Look, there's a lot of myth around Stallone. How he sold his dog, then bought him back when Rocky was a hit, how he was homeless and starving. They played up the whole underdog story to get butts in seats. One such story, is that allegedly, the owner of the film told Stallone to pay him $100,000 in exchange for the film never seeing release to the public. Stallone replied "I wouldn't buy it back for 2 bucks."
If he doesn't care, neither should you.
LILITH'S SCORE: 2/5
NEXT TIME: We return to the work of Zebedy Colt with Virgin Dreams.