|Title: Confessions of a Teenage Peanut Butter Freak|
Starring: Zachary Strong, Helen Madigan, John Holmes, Constance Money
Director: Zachary Strong
Synopsis: Sexual awakening of Billy, an inept teenager who undergoes a series of humiliating, but nevertheless arousing experiences. - Via IMDB
Why it is Notable: It's the first on-screen appearance of Constance Money.
"You better learn to join in instead of standing around watching with your hands in your pockets."
This is a story about Billy, a young man who has a fetish for peanut butter and is extremely shy and awkward around girls. He goes on a date and the girl fantasizes about fucking him in the car with the most nefarious facial expressions. The date ends and we get the funniest part of the film. His date tries to exit the car when Billy tells her the passenger door won't open. So, she just climbs over Billy's lap and out his door. It made me snicker, or it would have if the film wasn't so dark that I could barely see anything.
After the date, Billy stops to get gas and finds his friend Priscilla working there. She tells him she has nice peanut butter at her place and they go there. Awkwardness ensues until Priscilla asks why he's so nervous around girls. Billy proceeds to open up to her.
You see, one day, teenage Billy was happily masturbating when his aunt, armed with a snack of peanut butter and milk, walks in. She flips out, hurries out of the room and the bread lands peanut butter side down on his dick. At risk of blaming the victim here, this is his fault. Learn to lock your fucking door, Billy.
Aunt Opal returns, all horny and proceeds to, at first, berate him, shame him, then out and out rapes him. Billy is saying no, and when Billy is told to eat his aunt out, he doesn't want to. Not until she slathers peanut butter on her bush.
When it's all over, Aunt Opal once again threatens Billy not to tell anyone it happened.
But, that wasn't the only trauma poor Billy endured.
Some indeterminate amount of time later, young Billy returns home to hear sounds coming from upstairs and finds his cousin in bed with another girl. And that girl is none other than Constance Money.
Constance Money with another woman.
Constance Money with another woman on a waterbed.
And then Constance straps a dildo on and proceeds to fuck the other girl.
This is some debut!
Maybe I'm biased because she's my absolute favorite but Constance totally steals the scene. The other girl is all screams and flails, fake cumming at the drop of a hat.
When the girls realize they're spotted, the camera shows a close up of each girl's face and Constance has the most sad, shocked face.
The cousin berates Billy and Constance laughs and seems to be having a good time. The camera obviously loves her but again, maybe I'm biased.
The girls cuff Billy's hands behind his back, throw him onto the bed, spank him, tease him, and fuck him.
We return to the present, and Priscilla tells Billy about how, when she was young, two boys who she was friends with chased her down in the woods, rip off all her clothes, and fuck her to climax. She says something about how they used her as an object, how she didn't get to cum, how, while it felt good, it made her angry and it all felt empty.
Wait a second. Is this movie....progressive?
Is this actually a story about dealing with PTSD, past trauma, and finding someone who can accept you for who you are, despite your kinks, and baggage if you can deal with theirs?
Also, holy shit I think I used to have that Mickey Mouse pillowcase when I was a kid. This is the second object from a porn I recognize. The other was a snake belt in the Zebedy Colt film Virgin Dreams. I should start a list of things featured in pornos that I too, owned at one time or another.
My theory is further supported when Priscilla confesses her love for Billy. The movie culminates to a wedding with an oddly eerie sound meandering in the background, purposefully to raise the tension of the scene. Instead of rings, they have peanut butter and jelly bread on pillows. Instead of kissing, Priscilla picks up her jelly bread, and takes a bite.
Priscilla takes another bite of her jelly bread, to encourage him that it's going to be alright.
Billy doesn't move.
Scenes from the movie are spliced in, with a rising sound of dread and foreboding
The bride takes a third bite, but her expression of sadness and devastation grows in her eyes. Alone, she chews.
The frame freezes on a wide shot of the bride and groom while the credits roll.
For a screen debut of a familiar face, one who would go on to star in one of the most famous vintage porn movies, it's quite something. Constance Money seemed game, and like I said, seemed to be enjoying herself. Certainly an erotic film star in the making.
As a film, I actually think it might be a little deeper than it first appears. Make no mistake, Billy was raped by family members, and Priscilla was at least coerced, if not raped. It turned him into a nebbish awkward nobody and her into a handsy, sexually liberated nice girl. The ambiguous ending hints that, not even love can solve deeply inflicted wounds.
It has layers. Like a peanut butter sandwich.
LILITH'S SCORE: 3/5
NEXT TIME: We continue Money March with the film that made Constance Money a star: The Opening of Misty Beethoven.