Call The Nurse & No Country for Squared Heads - Lilith Likes to Watch Monster Lover May
Title: Call The Nurse and No Country for Squared Heads
Year: 2025
Starring: Emma Rosie, Aria Sloane, Hailey Rose, Kylie Rocket
Director: Romero
Synopsis: Unbeknownst to Emma, a cataclysmic event is taking place. In her attempt to leave the hospital, Emma encounters the very monsters that have tried to claw their way into her room. A group of mutated nurses chase after Emma, dragging the injured woman into an empty room and subjecting her to their sadistic idea of nursing.
Hailey and Kylie are trapped within a hospital, running from a dangerous slasher (Aria). In an effort to hide Hailey, Kylie convinces her to submerge herself in a tank of liquid nitrogen whilst she causes a distraction. However, the enraged slasher closes the tank, trapping Hailey inside as she succumbs to the liquid. Finding her way back into the room and realising what has happened, Kylie tries to resuscitate Hailey. The woman awakens but she is no longer herself.
Hailey and Kylie are trapped within a hospital, running from a dangerous slasher (Aria). In an effort to hide Hailey, Kylie convinces her to submerge herself in a tank of liquid nitrogen whilst she causes a distraction. However, the enraged slasher closes the tank, trapping Hailey inside as she succumbs to the liquid. Finding her way back into the room and realising what has happened, Kylie tries to resuscitate Hailey. The woman awakens but she is no longer herself.
Lilith's Notes: By the way I watched Return to Silent Hill. Don't.
Watch Now: MonsterP*rn.com
I’ve probably used that joke somewhere already. Oh well.
So it becomes very, very difficult to care when the production itself does not care. It’s not worth rising to the defense of something that really is all about the T&A. It’s even worse when it’s an obvious fan film about a beloved horror franchise.
No Country for Squared Heads and Call the Nurse are two Silent Hill themed offering from MonsterP*rn, so we’ll talk about them both today.
Let’s begin with Call The Nurse. A woman (played by Emma Rosie) wakes up in a hospital. She is then cornered by several monstrous futa nurses and used until she expires.
This one is one hundred percent non-consentual. As I said in previous reviews, I really wish the women wanted it more and in most cases they eventually do, but not this time. This time we have to endure a chunk of times laced with brutality, and begging for it to be all over until eventually it is, with Emma’s death. It wasn’t fun or hot. The costumes were questionable at best, with the most glaring mis-step being giving the nurses sneakers instead of heels. It’s iconic for the Silent Hill nurses to be hobbling around on stilettos, what are we even doing here?
To keep things brief, I hated this. Absolutely hated it. It wasn’t the slightest bit fun or sexy and it was just pain stacked on pain stacked on pain.
No Country for Squared Heads fares a little better, but not by much because it comes out of the gate with a flagrantly brazen bit of misinformation. See if you can pick out what’s wrong with the following sentence.
Haily and Kylie (played by Hailey Rose and Kylie Rocket are running from a monster that’s totally not Pyramid Head and Hailey hides in a vat of liquid nitrogen and drowns.
Did you find it? That’s right. It’s virtually impossible to drown in liquid nitrogen. You’d flash-freeze before you could drown. There’s even a wonderful example of this very thing in the magnum opus Jason X.
Kylie gets Hailey out of the vat but she’s not breathing. Because she drowned. In liquid nitrogen. Remember? So she tries to bring her back to life with shock pads.
It’s too little, too late for us, however, because that bit of reality warping just soured Kage and I for the rest of the experience. There’s ignorance of how something works, and then there’s whatever this is. If you wanted her to drown and come back to life there were plenty of things that could have been in that vat. How about sewage? Nuclear waste? Water from Totally Not Toluca Lake?
Hailey comes back to life as an undead woman, Totally Not Pyramid Head finds them, and the three fuck.
Pyramid Head’s costume looks cheap. The pyramid is fine, and actually looks almost lacey, which adds to the feminine. An interesting interpretation. The apron wasn’t printed on both sides and the lining was stark white and way too clean. At least the makeup was pretty good, and the phallus was just as impressive as before, launching buckets of slimy black jizz everywhere.
There was a fun shot where Kylie and Hailey’s breasts were a sort of jiggley yin-yan so that was nice, and another shot of both lady’s butts that sort of reminded me of Pyramid Head and the manniquines in Pyramid Head’s introduction to the original Silent Hill 2 videogame. If you know you know.
Obviously enjoyment of porn is subjective, especially in the crossroads of monsterlove and fandom. This probably works for a lot of people who just want to get off, and more power to you, but for us the flaws and inaccuracies were too deep, and flayed the flesh off everything.
Highlight: That little chest yin-yang
Lowlight: I was really, really looking forward to Pyramid Head porn, but I was left in the cold.
LILITH'S SCORE: 2/5
Until next time, my voracious voyeurs. I’m Lilith, and I’m always watching.
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