Tuesday, October 29, 2019

This Ain't Dracula XXX - Lilith Likes to Watch



Title: This Ain't Dracula XXX
Year: 2011
Starring: Jessi Palmer, Marie McCray, Evan Stone, Ryan Driller, Tom Byron
Director: Axel Braun
Synopsis: Forget everything you previously thought about Dracula. This is the movie that will make you totally re- think your perception of the mythical undead character! Count Dracula is back, and this time, with a sexual vengeance unlike any other Dracula you have ever seen. This sexual sci-fi masterpiece is sure to thrill you. And get you hot and sweaty. Nothing like some good old fashioned vampire sucking and fucking. - Via AdultFilmDatabase.com
Why it is Notable: It's a parody of Bram Stoker's Dracula.

"Lucy's cavalier attitude toward her multiple suitors has cheered my soul."

I felt we were all owed a Halloween Treat after the horrible last few movies we've endured and as return visitors know, Bram Stoker's Dracula is one of my favourite movies of all time. I was feeling so defeated by this year's Halloween selections that I decided Fuck It, and treated myself.

Jonathan Harker travels to Transylvania, to meet the eccentric Count Dracula who is buying property in London. In Dracula's castle Harker is seduced by three vampire brides.

This foursome is awkward. In Francis Ford Coppela's film (henceforth referred to as The Original), the scene with the brides is hotter because Harker is following the sound of his fiancee's voice. Here he just sort of wakes up from a fitful sleep and three women climb up on him. The sex itself is fine, only, when not being fucked, the women look bored or directionless. Though, there is a good pose of one woman grabbing bed of the headboard while Harker eats her out from below. That was nice.

There is no dynamic camera work. The camera work in the original was amazing and utilized many old school movie tricks. This is just one static shot. Most, if not all, the sex scenes suffer from this problem.

There is no music during the foursome. I opened a tab to Youtube and played the Bram Stoker's Dracula soundtrack. This is the only way to watch this movie.

Dracula both has no charisma and is also a non-entity in this film. There is no connection between elderly Dracula and what we see later. The entire role elderly Dracula seems to play is "Hahah butt-hair isn't he funny?!"

Mina Murray, Harker's fiance, has a voice-over narration throughout the film and it is bad. There' no accent, there's no emotion. It was very flat poorly done over-all.
Mina and her best friend Lucy fuck and it is the best scene in the movie. Jessi Palmer grabs her legs and pretzels herself up for the camera and somehow it's very endearing. Like she's holding on to herself to keep from losing control from the pleasure. Also her shoes are really cool.

Marie McCray, who plays Lucy, is adorable and perfectly cast. She's also the best actress here. She really seems to be enjoying playing pretend in period costumes and hoity accents.

Then, Lucy sleep walks. There's no Dracula, no wolf-monster, no attack, no biting. There's no connection between the sleep walk, and Lucy becoming sick, dying, then becoming a vampire. And, in the original, it is by far the best scene in the movie. What were the makers of this porn parody thinking, skipping the fucking on a bench in the middle of a hedge maze while hypnotized scene? Dracula didn't have to be a wolf. It is such a missed opportunity.
Hope you liked the maze scene, because this is it.

We cut to Renfield in the asylum, where he's bound in a straight jacket and blown by a nurse or maid or something. Then there's like 15 minutes of hands free anal. Props to Renfield for being able to do it no handed. But, again, there's no connection between nurse and Renfield. If you have to do anal, why not make it between Renfield and Dr Seward? The characters have a connection, you get your butt stuff and you get a gay scene.
However, Tom Byron seems to be really enjoying the role of Renfield. Good for him!

Mina's voice over mentions a 'devil ship' coming to the docks and we Dracula fans, be it book or film, know it's a ship that brought Dracula to London, but the movie never tells us that. Dracula continues to be a non-entity. Van Helsing is called to check in on Lucy, but I'm unclear as to why other than "because this is a Dracula parody and we're supposed to."

Vampire Lucy fucks two of her suitors for a while in the cemetery. It's hot, but again, no creative camera work and the guy playing one of the suitors keeps babbling his cock against Lucy's mouth so we end up with really weird vocalizations.

Dracula makes his appearance in a cliche Spirit of Halloween Dracula costume modeled after the Bela Lugosi outfit. Look, if you're gonna go with LOL BUTT HAIR Dracula, then you must also go with suave top hat, walking stick, and Lennon glasses Dracula. That's just facts.

...Nope. Wrong.
Dracula and Mina never meet. Mina is apparently not the reincarnation of his wife, but he brings her to his lair and they fuck in the end. Jessi Palmer is really good as wearing vacuous expressions as she's hypnotized into submitting to Dracula's lust. This of course proves that they could have done the maze scene, since coercion and dubious consent are apparently not issues in this film.

You could have done the maze scene, guys.

You could have.

And they sucked happily ever after.

Best Scene: Lucy/Mina sex scene.

Worst Scene: The foursome. No music, un-engaged women, too much contemporary pillow talk.

LILITH'S SCORE: 3/5 It's a Halloween Treat, but it could have been tastier.

NEXT TIME: Secretary. I promise.





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