WELCOME TO HALLOWEEN TRICK & TREAT. AND BOY DO I HAVE A TRICK OR 3 FOR YOU.
Fuck it. Let's get weird with it!
Boredom is a special kind of Hell. Boredom is soul-draining. Boredom is uninspiring. Boredom is a form of evil time-travel. You travel very, very slowly.
When I started this blog roughly a year ago, I was in a very different personal place than I am now. There aren't enough hours in the week anymore and I am loathe to give the effort of writing a post about something that out and out bores me. I've always said, the worst thing you can do other than be viscerally disgusting, is to bore me.
Don't fucking bore me. Make me angry. Make me roll my eyes. Just don't fucking bore me.
I watched three pornos in search of this week's Halloween Trick and Treat. On their own, none of them gave me enough to work with. So, let's just delve in to all three of them.
I've made it very clear that Bram Stoker's Dracula is one of my favourite films. I wasn't expecting much from this, but I was still let down. Which is terrible because Annette Haven is in this looking as pretty as ever and showing off hip bones that could cut glass. It had a few jokes here and there that made me lightly scoff air through my nose.
There are actually two versions of this film and I had planned to watch both, but after watching the first version, I had no desire to sit through another version.
So. What happens?
The doctor is fucking the maid for some reason. Dracula wants to fuck Mina. Let's see ...Fucking happens... The only good scene in the movie is the opening, with Dracula and Mina fucking in a dungeon and/or basement. I'm sure there's better Dracula based porn out there. Recommendations, please?
LILITH'S SCORE: 1.5/5
Title: Her & Him
Starring: Abella Danger, Small Hands
Director: Bella Thorne
Synopsis: A sexually explicit reimagining of Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet. - Via IMDB
Why it is Notable: A known famous person directed a porn.
The second one was Her & Him, which has recently gained attention since it's the directorial debut of a former Disney Starlette. But she was also on Big Love, which means she was on HBO before Disney. She's an HBO Starlette.
Anyway, Her & Him is trippy, but it's trippy in the way that a new artist uses too many Photoshop filters. All the visual and audio weirdness feels like creative minds wondering "Hey, what does this button do?"
After seeing the search on his girlfriend's phone "How to murder your boyfriend and get away with it", the Boyfriend is convinced his girlfriend is going to kill him. She toys with him at knife-point with words and some pretty good physical acting. Her fingers tap and crawl along the counter, her toes flex or drag as she nears him. The tension is drawn up, it builds, then explodes into a frantic burst of frenzied violence.
They fuck, and it's very much directed by a woman. It's shot without a care for the leering camera.
The end of the film was not set up at all. It could have either been left out entirely, or it should have been mentioned earlier. I don't want to spoil it, but it knocked down my rating a whole grade because that's just poor story telling.
LILITH'S SCORE: 2/5
Finally there was Sexorcist AKA Undressed to Kill. I blame Red Letter Media for bringing it to my attention.
It is one of the worst things I've had to watch for this blog. It was only an hour long and it felt too long.
No one was particularly attractive.
It was obviously cobbled together from maybe a few movies?
But it's worse problem? It had a narration from a character that wasn't even involved in the events. It was all told second hand. Then that character dies for no reason so how are we even continuing the story?
The costumes were terrible.
There was no creative sexual deviancy. Like, say, in The Exorcist. I was aching for a demon possessed Terri Hall to show up and breathe some life and horror into this pointless pile of slog.
Boring, plotless, devoid of personality, unimaginative garbage with a terrible sound track.
LILITH'S SCORE: 1/5
What a disappointing Halloween Trick & Treat. Everything was a trick. This was a rough one, readers.
NEXT TIME: I need something that I know I enjoy, and once again it explains a lot about me. Join me, won't you, with Secretary.