Halloween is upon us so I decided to do something a little different. I watched two vaguely horror themed porno flicks, one was good, and one was bad. I'm going to review them both and post part 1 tonight and part 2 tomorrow. So, let's get the Trick out of the way.
When I engage in a piece of entertainment, I try to make sure it's worth my time. I hate being bored. I'd much rather be angry, amused or baffled than bored. If something is boring me, I tell myself to drop it, because we only have so many hours in our lifetime, and some can be better spent on better porn.
I almost dropped Porno Holocaust because it was boring and inept and obvious that no one wanted to be there.
First sex scene, dude was making horse sounds.
Second sex scene had some of the worst fake sex I've ever seen in my life. I almost stopped it halfway through the first sex scene, wherein two women were "fucking". In reality they were hovering their open mouths over hairy bushes, obscured by strategically placed limbs. In order for actual touching to happen, either the clits or the tongues would have to be 10 inches long. It was amazingly bad. It was worse than belly button fucking from The Room. When I watch porn I want to believe the illusion being sold to me. I want to believe these people are fucking. This was garbage.
But, for the sake of this blog, I soldiered on. I was rewarded with the most awkward, ambivalent threesome probably ever put to film. Two black men have to fuck this white woman and it's clear the men don't know what to do with her. They never get hard, they awkwardly pet her back like one would ruffle a dog's coat, they muss her hair but don't actually hold her head, and they push rope through the entire scene. More than once, one guy looks off-screen with an expression of annoyed confusion. At this point I was going to give it 1.5 stars because I was awestruck with just how amusingly bad this was.
But they lost that half-star quickly.
This petulant "I don't wanna!" vibe is continued through the entire film. The main couple consisted of a white man and a black woman, neither of whom were into it. By this time, my prevailing theory while I watched the rest of these very rote and trite sex scenes were that either everyone was gay, --except for the women who fucked each other, they were probably homophobes--, or racist.
I don't know what else I can say about this. The sex was abysmal, bereft of any charm, heat, passion, or anything interesting. This is part of a series apparently, known as The Caribbean Series. I will not be watching the other films in this series. Not without motivation.
Come back tomorrow for Part 2 of the Trick & Treat Special.
LILITH'S SCORE: 1/5 - Skip It.