Nuns With Big Guns - Lilith Likes to Watch Nunvember 2022

Title: Nude Nuns With Big Guns
Starring: Asun Ortega, David Castro
Director: Joseph Guzman
Synopsis: Upon taking her vows to become a nun, Sister Sarah is abused, brainwashed and also drugged into submission by the corrupt clergy. On the verge of her own death from a lethal dose of drugs, Sister Sarah receives a message from God telling her to take vengeance on all those who did wrong to her. Armed with God’s will and an arsenal of big guns, she dispenses Judgment Day on her former tormentors. When the church hires the merciless motorcycle gang “Los Muertos” to track down and to kill her they soon realize that this sister is one bad mother. - via
Lilith's Notes: What if Robert Rodriguez but with literally no budget?

"Came in like a demon, and vanished like an angel."

This is not how I planned to wrap up Nunvember. I had a classic film selected, one that had been previously reviewed by bigger names than I, and I was ready to buckle down and join the annals of dirty reviewers with this rite of passage. Circumstances had me making some mild adjustments to the schedule and now we have Nude Nuns With Big Guns.
Sister Sarah (Played by Asun Ortega) is a nun who gets mixed up with a drug cartel. Some of the nuns who pack drugs with her are killed during a botched smuggling and she vigilantes her way through the crime syndicate. With sexy results. Eventually she finds out this goes all the way to the top! That the dealers and the church are in bed together. Soon, no one is safe from her vengeance.
There was an attempt. In the most basic of sense, this is an actual movie. It tries for pathos and drama and some actual camera work. It's just very cheap. You can see the inspiration from Tarantino and Rob Zombie. But it's like they took the riches of Kill Bill and The Devil's Rejects, ground it all up into a fine powder, cut it into lines, snorted it, then wondered where all the money went.
Despite how cheaply it was produced, it was obviously a labour of love, which, good for everyone involved. It's not like they really cut corners or anything, they just used what they had. And reused it. And reused it again. Yes, I'm talking about you, comically industrial, absurdly gauged hypodermic needle, I see you.
I would say this movie unfortunately, at times the film takes the wrong inspiration from Tarantino. In moments of drama, the editing turns erratic like a bunch of tricks were thrown on the film. Fast, slow, greyscale, no wait red filter on everything, now let's flashback to two seconds ago!
All this is a shame because the actress is trying, and there is at least a small modicum of gore makeup. She’s shot. She’s bleeding. She’s tending to her wound, alone and in pain. Calm down with the editing tricks.
Asun Ortega lives the role of Sister Sarah completely. She is cool and bad-ass. Sister Sarah deserves to be named alongside The Bride, Baby Firefly, El Mariachi and Machete. She doesn’t have their slick, quick-witted moves but she has the grit, and the sense of righteous indignation.
There are some good lines of dialogue in the film, maybe more poetic and polished than the narrative deserves. It’s weird to hear lines like “We sin today, and pray for forgiveness tomorrow, such is the beauty of the faith” next to randomly calling women bitches or characters with the name Half-Breed. It’s dissonant but it works.
As for the flesh, we'll, everything here is strategically placed limbs and kissing and things happening just off-screen. There are full frontal feminine figures and bare man-butt, but it never crosses over into actual pornography. This is smut. This is dirty. This isn’t, to be exact, pornography.
This is, at worst, the sort of film that would appeal to a teenage boy who snuck out to watch something forbidden. This is something I would have lauded before I developed a discerning sense. This is a smackerel of filth. It doesn't go far enough to be absurdist, in the vein of something like Hobo With a Shotgun, but it’s too high quality to be fully sneered at.
All in all, I liked this better than one might think, but not quite as much as I thought I would. And I think, throughout this review, I ended up talking myself into liking it more than I did while watching it.

I don't know what that says about me.

Best Moment: Sister Sarah seduces a woman to get information. They make out. It's the hottest scene in the film.

Worst Moment: Sister Sarah kills the woman she seduces, thus putting an end to the hottest scene in the film.


There we have it, another year of sexy sinners and naughty nuns behind us. I hope you all enjoyed this study of the slutty and the saintly. Which were your favourites? What should we review in the Year of Our Lord 2023? Until next time, my voracious voyeurs. I’m Lilith, and I’m always watching.

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