Title: The Passions of Carol
Starring: Mary Stuart, Kim Pope, Jamie Gillis
Director: Shaun Costello
Synopsis: X-rated adaptation of A Christmas Carol
Why it is Notable: The very first hard core XXX adult film to open in a straight theater.
"I know your purpose is to do me good."
T'is the season, and it's harder than you'd think to find Christmas themed porno. So, since we're not spoiled for choice I decided to go with The Passions of Carol, a porno adaptation of A Christmas Carol.
At first I thought this film understood me. It opened with Carol of the Bells, which is, without question, my favourite Christmas song. It came with a good concept: Carol Scrooge is the owner of a lady's porno magazine and she's too, well, bitchy, for Christmas. Or something. It's not immediately obvious and the conceit of this movie is rather unclear.
A man auditions to be in Carol's magazine and Carol and her secretary fuck him for 15 minutes in a terrible scene that's lit so poorly that the shadows cast on everyone's genitals look like censor bars. It's scored by the theme to the Exorcist, one blowjob is filmed with this awkward from-below angle so the scene actually looks like it's upside down, then it smash-cuts to another scene entirely.
Then it comes back to the audition/threesome. The music goes from Exorcist to something with child-like whimsy, then back to Exorcist.
The worst part? 15 minutes into this 75 minute movie and not one spirit!
The acting in the first part of the film is terrible, but things pick up once the spirits finally start arriving.
Lance Marley pays Carol a visit and warns her that three spirits will come to visit her. Then they fuck while an instrumental rendition of Santa Claus is Coming to Town plays.
The Ghost of Christmas Past comes and the poor man seemed to have thought he was in an actual version of A Christmas Carol. He brought all his gravitas and acting chops to the role. Luckily he elevated the scene.
In the past, Carol witnesses a moment where she manipulated two of her young friends to get naked and touch each other. Bizarrely, this is where Mary Stuart's own acting gets better. Apparently she was born to play a petulant, black mailing adolescent.
The three "kids" fuck, with the aid of a doll's arm, then Carol learns that her two friends grew up, fell in love and are now happily married. All thanks to her?
The Ghost of Christmas Present, fabulous drag performer, takes Carol to the "Hatchet" home where she watches her employee Bob Hatchet and his wife fuck. Mrs. Hatchet has really nice thighs. Carol learns that they're happy despite having little time and money. I think?
As an aside, their child is Tiny Kim and we never see her on screen but I like that idea and think it's cute. In the past, three "kids" who were obviously meant to be under 10 years old fucked. If you're gonna go there, movie, go there! You've already crossed that line. Have Tiny Kim receive a nice finger bang or muff dive or something to make her feel good. Maybe since her legs are lame, she can give Bob Hatchet a foot-job as 'exercise'.
Finally, The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come appears and I'm sad to say that Carol does not fuck him. Yet to Come is my favorite spirit. It's my aesthetic. He at least deserved a blowjob. But no, he gets nothing. In fact, the only spirit she fucks is Marley, who has to beg for it.
So many wasted opportunities.
Despite that, Yet to Come takes Carol to the future where she's an anorexic, wig-wearing, 20 bucks a fuck hooker in garish makeup and armed with too-big condoms.
During this scene there's no music. All you hear is the loudest, sloppiest, rudest slurping sounds and I wonder if that was done on purpose to heighten the discomfort and possible disgust for the scene.
Anyway, Carol wakes up and decides that from now on she'll be nice to everybody and I don't understand! What did Carol learn? She didn't start out the movie a prude or anything. This movie basically starts with a casting couch threesome which Carol took part in! I don't understand how working hard and shrewdly now makes her a hooker in the future. What does this have to do with Christmas? What? Why? How?!
There is some mildly interesting stuff here, and plenty of potential. If anything, this movie would be a good candidate for a remake.
LILITH'S SCORE: 2/5
NEXT TIME: We watch people on display in Cafe Flesh.